Opinion

Biden Asks Why Europe Didn’t Just Arrest Conservative Candidates Before Election

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As shockwaves continued to reverberate around the globe following sweeping victories for the European political right, U.S. President Joe Biden asked aides why Europe didn’t just arrest the conservative candidates before the election.

As conservative candidates in multiple countries won by significant margins, the current American leader expressed surprise that the ruling globalist regimes didn’t simply have their chief political rivals imprisoned.

“Why didn’t they do… the thing?” Biden was overheard asking White House aides after learning about the election results in Europe. “It’s simple, folks. When you’ve got an election coming up, and it looks like you’re… looks like you’re… you’re about to… you’re gonna… it looks like… not good, all you have to do is throw the fella in prison. Or the broad. Whatever. Arresting your opponents and putting them in prison is the easiest way to win elections. It’s also… it’s… anyway. Cheesegrater.”

A White House insider disclosed that Biden had even placed phone calls to various leaders across Europe late last night to ask them why they hadn’t just put their rivals in jail. “He was baffled,” the anonymous source said. “He was telling them that this is the second most important election strategy, with rigging the voting machines being the only thing slightly more important.”

At publishing time, the White House was reportedly hoping to schedule an impromptu trip for Biden to make a European tour to give lessons on how to weaponize your country’s judicial system for political gain.


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